A life of lemons

Some days you just want to cry…..today is one of those days.  When the world is so heavy on your shoulders that you feel the force of gravity pulling harder and harder.  You wonder if your going to make it out unharmed.  Then I remember who is the one holding the world.  I forget that God cares about this tiny grain of sand.  That is how I feel some days.  Like a grain of sand.  God knows us all and calls us by name.  The understanding of that baffles me some days.  The God of the universe calling out my name.  Saying ”Let me hold it for you”. That burden you carry, that giant lemon.  He wants to keep us safe from the crushing weight.  How amazing God is that he knows us by name.  He knows the lemons I carry and the pain they cause.  He wants to protect me from them.  Wow does that make you feel special….or what!

Thought of the Day: Rushing to help someone carry their lemon will make you forget about the one your holding.  It will also make you think that your lemon may be smaller and lighter then other lemons. 

Cheers to lemon-aid God style

Falling in love

Falling in love is the greatest feeling in the world, at least I think so. Naturally you draw to a person and you connect in a way that you have never experienced. You allow them to touch your heart and you draw close to the warmth they bring. I have fallen in love with my children. They see the world a way I have never seen. They laugh and giggle at the silliest things. They show me that being a child is so special. I wish that I could hold them in this moment forever but I know I can not. I love to watch them learn and grow in a peaceful environment. I have never experienced that. Watching them makes me feel at peace about who I am and where I have come from. They will never know the struggle and pain that I went through as a child. I am absolutely ok with that. Being with them brings me joy. Joy in knowing that my past has not affected my children. Nor will it ever. You see watching them shows me what normal was suppose to look like. It also shows me that although I never got to experience half the things they have, I will now because of them. Watching the way they get excited about some thing makes me excited for them. I thank God every day for pulling me out of the hole I was in. For giving me the people I needed in my life at any given time to help me. So that now my children can grow in peace.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness can be so freeing.  It feels like you had some really bad tenants in an apartment (your mind)and you just asked them to leave.    I heard on the radio that there are 3 reactions to trauma.

1. Denial -not good for you it will come around to bite you in other areas of your life

2. Revenge- also not good for you, can cause serious damage that your not ready to commit to

3. Fogiveness-frees you to be all that you can be and they have wonder why your not angry.

Denial is hard often we want to deny when something bad happens to us so that we feel “normal”.  Nothing bad happened and we give ourselves false hope that we are OK.  When really we are not.

Revenge this is a hard one for me.  I have a father who was a dictator type and you grow up trying to move around the rules instead of follow them.  So revenge comes easy to me.  I know that sounds terrible but it’s the truth.  It’s easy to find a hole in someones life and destroy them with it.  But there is a  big BUT …. it never ends well.  You always end up doing more damage then you intended and you are always end up the bad guy.  Nothing that has been done to you is ever worth hurting another because of it.  Read my testimony if you feel otherwise.    Jesus laid down his life for us and he was innocent, so that we could be free.  That is the ultimate gift for us.

Forgiveness cleans our soul.  It’s like opening your self up to spring when you have had nothing but winter.  The warmth and calm of a new beginning brings out the best in you.  There is never a wrong time to forgive someone.   People are hurting on a whole and you have to realize that when you don’t want to forgive them.  They have also has similar situations in their life where they have been hurt.  They may have hurt you unknowingly.  That doesn’t change the fact that it happened, but thinking that way can make it seem less hurtful.  Unforgiveness also means that you are putting yourself in a position of power and the only person that belongs there is Jesus.   Jesus is the only one who can condemn someone and yet he laid his life down to save ours.  If you think that you deserve to sit on the throne then by all means continue to be unforgiving.  I tell you the truth, there is no greater feeling then that of forgiveness.

Smothered by lies

Smothered by lies, that is how I feel some days.  When I go to work I worry about what my co workers think of me, I worry about what my husband thinks of me, and what my friends think of me.  In all this thinking I never stop to think that it may be positive.  Always negative things come to mind.  Will they take what I said too far, will they not like me or be upset with me and say things behind my back.  This is what I spend a lot of my day doing.  THINKING TOO MUCH.  Sometimes I think that the weight of thinking is putting so much pressure on me that one day I’ll snap( like a twig under the pressure). Today as I was driving I came to the conclusion that Satan wants me to think this was.  Always negative and always worried.  If He can get my eyes off God and onto myself then I’ll ignore the things that God calls me to do that day, because I am distracted with his lies.  That is exactly what they are, lies.

Being a good person means sacrifice and sometimes when you sacrifice your time for another good things happen.  This past week the most amazing story happened in my life ,  Me taking the time to help someone came full circle to help my husband.  My very own family.  How amazing is that.  I didn’t help my husband but my attitude and kindness toward a person did.  They in turn unknowingly helped my husband.  The story makes me smile but I ‘can’t tell the whole thing because of confidentiality.  (it involves a Police officer) It’s a good story though.

If I had been listening to Lies being whispered in my ear that day I would have missed the Glory that God wanted to show me on another day.  It absolutely amazes me that God is so big and so amazing.  I am his and he is mine.

When the right thing seems wrong to others.

The last couple of months have challenged me to say the least. They have brought me to my knees in prayer and they have taken me to a place of anger I didn’t think I could go. People whom have no idea who I am could label me something and then call it truth. I have been examined and found lacking ( according to them) When I came back from Quebec I brought with me a disciple ship program that has changed my life. It made me look at myself through God’s eyes. To see the beauty in my in abilities and bring joy that I didn’t know could come from knowing who I am. For a while I thought that I was whom I was. Meaning being labeled a christian makes me just like every other christian out there. BUT that is not true. I am not like every other christian out there and I am not perfect. I also don’t pretend to be like a lot of people do, scratch that like a lot of christians do.
After many, many hours of soul searching and searching the bible for answers. I came to the conclusion that people make mistakes. Out of love we correct them but what happens when the person you are trying to correct doesn’t feel that way? What if they know that you are wrong. Then what. How do you move past the pain caused by others whom think that they are right? That has been a struggle for me. Learning how to forgive the unforgivable. Wow sounds like a deep question really, but is it? The bible clearly states we are to forgive our brother whom sins against us. So that we can both be free. Wow ok so what does that look like in today’s society. How do I over come my inability to forgive? You have to ask God. I wish it was more complicated and that I came up with a simple answer in which I could sell book rights to but that is it. ASK GOD. The problem we sometimes face as well,  is the will to ASK. We put ourselves in a place of honor where we think we have the right to be angry and we don’t.  We get stuck in this place ( I call it a garbage dump)  Where we think that it’s ok to go on like this but it’s not.  It opens our heart to bitterness.  God knows everything. He knows what is done in secret against you and he knows how to hold you in his hand when the going starts to beat you down. We have to swallow our pride and ASK! Ask him to help you get past the unwillingness to forgive, that is the only way.  Overcome the evil in this world and live at peace.  We must ask God to help us forgive each other and to move forward.  Taking yourself off the place of glory where you think you belong is not easy.  Jesus came into this world as a servant not as master.  We must serve our fellow man and take up the cross that is given to us. 

Matthew 18:21-22 ESV Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” (22) Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.

 My life has not been easy and I already know that I will face trials.  But this one certainly knocked me out.  I almost lost my faith over it.  ALMOST.  Then I started realizing that God loves me for who I am not who I want to be.  He loves my down falls and he loves my strength.  He loves the person I am and that is the only thing that matters to me.  HIS LOVE not the love of men but of GOD. 

HOW DEEP THE FATHERS LOVE FOR US HOW, VAST BEYOND ALL MEASURE THAT HE SHOULD GIVE IS ONLY SON TO MAKE A WRETCH HIS TREASURE. 

A WRETCH HIS TREASURE, THINK ON THAT TODAY!!

Ministry in Quebec

Quebec Trip was suppose to be a work team.  We call it a missions trip.  The point of a missions trip is to minister and be ministered to in return.  I came home totally in awe of what God was doing inQuebecthrough these humble people.  A handful of Christians dedicated to preaching the gospel old school.  I think that is was we are all called to do.  They take the great commission with such literal meaning and you see it evident in their life and teaching. 

 

When the trip started I had been praying that God would show me himself and reveal a revelation to me about myself.  I had also been praying for the dynamic of the team as well.  Joyce and I had traveled together before so I knew what to expect but the others I barely knew.  I prayed for the younger ones to have their eyes open to new examples of God’s love and actually see with their minds eye what it means to be a follower of Christ. 

 

We were all very tired on our first day of travel.  We were pumped to go toQuebecbut I think we all had little sleep.  We prayed almost non stop on the way asking for guidance and revelation into our selves and that we would take what we learned to heart.  I believe with my whole heart that each of the 5 of us were called by God to be there no more no less.  The team was as it was suppose to be. 

 

On the first night at Donald and Lorraine’s we were listening to them talk about their goals and the way God was leading them to follow after him in new ways that are going to be different for them.  They feel at peace with the decision they have made to follow his calling at this time.  They spoke about howQuebecis suffering from Generational sin.  That was the first we had heard about the topic since we arrived and little did we know that would be the theme of the weekend. 

 

There was a situation that arose later that night between team members and we stayed up late praying and discussing God. We talked about depression, generational sin and  taking yourself off the thorn and putting God back on it.  We prayed for each other and for the situation at hand.  God was at work.

 

The next day Donald andLorrainedrove with us to Sawinagin.  They drove their van ahead of us.  A similar situation arose again while traveling and I was tired.  I did not wish to continue with this person and at the next rest stop I got out of the van and went with Donald Lorraine and Rachel.  Not 5 minutes down the road did Lorranie turn her head and say “so why can’t you extend grace to _____”  I was shocked at first.  I had no answer for her.  I knew that I should have grace and all that I have been through in life would say so.  Some how I didn’t and I was angry with them.  Lorranie was quite as I prayed and sought the Holy Spirit to show me.  She then turned around again and said

“ is it because there is a generational sin in your life?”  “like maybe your parents abandoned you while you were suffering?”  I started to weep.  WHAT was happening.  The Holy Spirit was leading this conversation.  Rachel looked at me and said: “I can’t even talk right now”  She was so dumbfounded as to what was happening.  We were looking at a life of another but really God was seeking our hearts.  Lorranie took God’s leading to show me how to correct this generational Sin so that I do NOT pass it on to my children.  So that I could learn to extend grace and love this person no matter how they behave. 

By the time we got to Teen Challenge I was emotionally exhausted.  I loved every minute of my re proof.  I love that  God took me toQuebecto teach me. 

 

Teen Challenge was amazing the whole place is a sanctuary.  The minute you walk in the door you feel such peace about the whole place.  Like the Holy Spirit lives there.  In the midst of turmoil he reigns.  We began work on the house, and by that I mean the prayer room.  4 bare walls were our challenge but we did so much more then paint.  We ministered.  We tookAliceto buy groceries they desperately needed.  We made dinners with the women that were there, we laughed with them and cried with them.  We loved them for who they were and where they were at.  We shared our stories with them and we gave them hope.  Hope in their salvation.  Hope that God is there with them in the midst of the trouble they have come from. 

 

Saturday night the prayer room was finished.  We PRAYED.  You can’t call the prayer room a sanctuary because it is so much more then that.  It’s a place of standing at God’s feet. 

Sunday morning before church I felt the Holy Spirit calling me to the prayer room.  I went and asked God where he was.  I couldn’t feel him.  I started to look at my life the past few days and I asked forgiveness for my selfishness.  This weekend had nothing to do with me but everything to do with Him.   Caught in the pride of my own ability I had forgotten God was in control not me. 

 

Sunday service.  It was in French the whole thing.  The worship was absolutely amazing.  We knew the songs but they were in French so we sang what we knew in English and they were so happy to see us join in.  The message was on suicide.  How perfect.  That The devil uses this world as a distraction to us and we get our eyes off God and onto ourselves.   After they showed a video on a young fella that tried to commit suicide and his parents found him.  He lived and found God shortly after.  That moment I saw God!!! Sitting in front of me were the girls of teen challenge.  I was there 10 years ago.  Lonely depressed and suicidal. I was the one sitting there with them.  ME!  It was like God showing me full circle who I was and why I had come there.  All the teaching of the weekend had not prepared me for that moment of revelation.  I cried right there is the church with everyone looking.  I saw the POWER of God.  THE TRUE POWER OF GOD.  Not the mistakes I have made not the grace I did or didn’t extend to someone BUT GOD.  In all his glory choose to send me there.   Wow I was humbled and thankful. 

Watching Alice and Rene with the girls was like watching the Shepard move his sheep.  They are so fully called by God to be where they are.  I could only thank God for allowing me to be apart of a small team that came to bless them.  The situations were real and the struggles we faced were real but God is so much bigger than all I see. 

The last song was Sing with me how great is our God, Sing with me how great is our God.  How fitting. 

 

The way home we stopped inmontrealagain to see Donald andLorraine.  Man did we need to stop there.  They asked about our time there and when I shared I was so moved by the Holy spirit.  I talked about what the weekend meant to me and how I saw God REALLY. Lorrainetalked with us about the value of Discipleship about this program to teach you how to disciple.  The great commission.  The whole reason we are Chrisitans is to disciple but we often forget what that means.  I have never taken a discipleship program.  I wouldn’t even know what that looks like.  I then asked Joyce to disciple me another member of our team.  She was happy too.  She is so amazing and talented.  She agreed that everyone should take this course.  To learn how to bring a Timothy behind you.  To teach biblical truth into someone so that they may teach behind them. 

God is so amazing.

Thank you for your prayer and support of this trip.  It has changed my life.

If your wondering

So You may be wondering why I haven’t written in a while. Or maybe you didn’t notice. What ever the case may be I want you to know that I am back. We as a family have left our church body and are currently seeking….not really seeking a new one. In our hearts we want to have a body but for now we choose to seek God. He will lead us where we need to be when the time comes. This is one of those situations you want to understand but I can’t explain. All I can say is that the devil seeks to devour you. Spiritual warfare is real and he will use even those you care deeply about to tear you down. However God is good and he will not let us go down with out a fight. For a while I thought that I was a terrible person and that my faith was not of the standing kind. But God has shown me so much more then the workings of mere men but of spiritual things. So as I take these first few steps back in to blogging I hope that you will continue to enjoy my journey of being a real christian. Of my not so easy steps of my chrisitan walk and share with me as I fall and skin my knees but still get back up with the gentle push from salvation.